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Diary Entry #2--Worthless


Why do I feel this way? Everything I do reminds me of how much I fail. 

I'm a failure as a mom, wife, employee, and person. I can do nothing right. 

This whole week has been more overwhelming than I can imagine. The expectations and pressure...I just can't keep up. I'm slowly falling into a pit. And the further I go down, the more I want to just accept it, and keep falling. 

I distract myself with stupid things. Love stories, comedy...anything that helps me to escape the reality that I'm living in.  Because I don't want to face it. I don't want this to be my life anymore. 

When I get to this point, I don't even want to reach out to anyone. It's like I want to just be in pain. And even when people reach out, I don't give them much. Because I want to wallow in my self-pity.

This cycle continues until I feel I've hit rock bottom.

Why do I get like this? I have a great life...a husband and kids that love me. A job. My kids are going to private school. A family that helps me and my children. A place to live. A church community. Opportunities that I have never had before. Food in my fridge. God. 

Sometimes, it seems like all of that doesn't even matter. 

Every year on my birthday, when I've tried to have a birthday party, usually no one shows up. Or something happens where we can't have the party. It's been hurtful. It makes me think that I don't have any friends. That no one actually cares about me. Is that true? Probably not. That time of year is coming around again. 

I feel like I can't even go to God about it. Because even though I know He's there for me, and waiting for me to talk to Him, I know He is going to say that I need to help myself. And I don't want to help myself. Because it's too much work. And I'm already too overwhelmed with everything else to put the work in. I'm barely scraping by. 

I don't want to, God. I feel worthless. I felt so worthless this weekend, thinking about everything I have to do, with no time to do it, how I have to meet everyone's expectations...how I'm just a failure in every way.

I didn't want to go to church. And lately I've been feeling convicted about so many things. Oh yeah, I've felt you tugging on my heart. But I did it for my kids. I went to church because I knew they would miss out otherwise. I went in with a hole in my heart for whatever reason. And you told me this:

My worth is not in what I ownNot in the strength of flesh and boneBut in the costly wounds of loveAt the cross
My worth is not in skill or nameIn win or lose, in pride or shameBut in the blood of Christ that flowedAt the cross
I rejoice in my redeemerGreatest treasureWellspring of my soulAnd I will trust in him, no otherMy soul is satisfied in him alone
As summer flowers we fade and dieFame, youth and beauty hurry byBut life eternal calls to usAt the cross
I will not boast in wealth or mightOr human wisdom's fleeting lightBut I will boast in knowing ChristAt the cross

I couldn't even sing it. But I knew you wanted me to. So I sang it as tears fell down my face. Because you are what satisfies me, Lord. And even though my heart and my head know it, I don't know why I always forget it. So take away these feelings of worthlessness. Take away my depression. Make the enemy move away from me. And help me to help myself. To get back to where I need to be. 

You tell me that I am worthy in You.




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