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Diary Entry #3--Light in the Darkness

This has been a season of much suffering. I sometimes wonder how much I can handle. I cry out to the Lord for guidance and help. Many times I feel like I can't hear Him; He's just silent. That makes me feel like I am not cared for. 

I sit in my self-pity, wondering why I am here in this place in my life. Is this where I am supposed to be? If it is, why am I questioning everything? It would be one thing if I was the only one affected, but I feel like this affects my whole family. I have been asking the Lord for guidance, yet continue to hear nothing. 

I have been having some severe anxiety attacks lately, which is abnormal for me. I've been having them close together, randomly, and then again when I am stressed from certain situations that arise. Being involved in ministry is already a hard job. 

The other day Rafi had a bad dream. So bad that he came into my room crying inconsolably. I asked him what happened in his dream and he said he couldn't remember. Usually when he has a bad dream, he stays in our bed for a bit, we pray, and then he goes back to his room. This time, he couldn't. He held on to me so tight. He was genuinely terrified. He wanted to sleep in between Josh and I. When I woke up in the morning my arm and back were all tweaked from hugging him. 

I didn't think much of it as I went about my day the next day. In fact, I made sure to get as much rest as I could, since it was the weekend. The kids went to bed that night, after a fun day with the grandparents. A couple hours later, Josh and I went upstairs to get to bed. I walked up to my room but did not step inside. I was frozen in fear.

I felt a presence in the room. My thoughts were: What is this? Am I just being paranoid? Why am I scared? I couldn't speak. For some reason, I turned the flashlight on from my phone and shined it in the room. Josh was walking behind me and talking to me, but I was not aware of what he was saying. 

Finally, I had the courage to say something. "In the name of Jesus get out of here." Josh goes, "What's wrong?" Then I say, "In the name of Jesus, get out. This house is claimed by the blood of Jesus." Then my heart began beating so fast, I thought it was going to pop out of my chest. But it was gone. I explained to Josh what happened. I was able to step into the room. I prayed for God to protect our property, house, children, and us. 

Do you think it was a coincidence that Rafi had a bad dream the night before this? Absolutely not. I don't believe in coincidence, only in what God does. The next day, Kiara says that she had a bad dream that Jesus was in the ocean and two bad guys were beating Him up. 

What does it mean? I don't know exactly what. But I can say that there is some spiritual warfare going on, and this is the time for the armor of God. 

I am encouraged by the fact that my children have a strong faith. Rafael receives the Holy Spirit. Kiara craves knowing more about Jesus and can't get enough of reading God's Word. I also know that to get to me, the enemy gets to my children. 

Today was a good day. I felt encouraged, thought things were finally on the up and up. Multiple things happened that made me feel edified. Then one small thing at the end of the day gave me another anxiety attack; that feeling of impending doom. How crazy that it takes many good things to edify, and only one bad thing to break it all down and ruin everything. I feel this is always how my life goes. This time, I didn't expect it. 

As I was upset about that, I saw a memory from 14 years ago to the day, on social media: "One tear in the dropping rain/One voice in a sea of pain/Could the Maker of the stars hear the sound of my breaking heart/One life, it's all I have/right now I can barely stand/could the Maker of the stars come close and hold my heart." 

That is the chorus of the song Hold My Heart by Tenth Avenue North. And as soon as I read this, I knew He was speaking to me. Finally. 

He's not giving me the specific guidance I want. He's giving me what I need. He's showing me that He is here, and He cares about me. Insignificant me. But I am significant to Him. He holds me close, He never lets go, unless I pull away. Sometimes I do. But He holds me again. I can't imagine how tweaked His arm is. And in these moments, I wonder how I can ever doubt Him. He is the Light in the darkness. 

"Thy Word is a lamp unto my feet, and a light unto my path." Psalm 119:105



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